How [not] to move House

Some of you may have been waiting in anticipation for me to change apartments. Well, on 30th May, it actually happened, after knowing I needed to move for three months. Here's how I would advise you NOT to move house...

Step 1: Spend a morning packing everything into bags; supermarket, reusable ones, orange Wandsworth Council recycle bags and black bin-bags.

Step 2: Put all bags by the front door ready to move down stairs after you have finished work.

Step 3: Contact friends with vehicles larger than bicycles to help transport the bags to the new place.

Step 4: After work, wait for friends assistance. On seeing the Friend 1 arrive, get excited and let the front door close on the old apartment...with the keys to both apartments inside.

Step 5: Go downstairs to the landlord and double check that they do not have a spare set of keys.

Step 6: Ring boss (from friends phone, due to lack of credit) to explain the situation. Arrange to pick up the keys for work, where the spare set of apartment keys are kept, from the boss' house.

Step 7: Await the arrival of Friend 2 so that Friend 1 can go to work. Explain the "keys locked in the apartment" situation and the plan of action to collect the spare set.

Step 8: Get given Friend 2's car due to his bad back. Drop Friend 2 near his house and proceed to drive for 15 minutes in the wrong direction as a "short cut" (receiving a phonecall from Friend 3 to arrange a time to meet, curse when phone battery dies).

Step 9: Collect keys for work.

Step 10: Successfully navigate to the dual carriageway for a quick route to work, collect keys for apartment and drive back.

Step 11: Carry stage piano down four flights of stairs, alone (later proven to be of a mere 28kg)

Step 12: Spend 45 minutes carrying bags of various sizes (refer to Step 1) whilst the landlord smokes his pipe watching the trips up and down. N.B: ensure you can balance the boot of the car on your back whilst loading as it is unable to remain open unattended.

Step 13: Rejoice on discovering Friend 3's arrival.

Step 14: Load Friend 3's car with the "odd" shaped items; guitar, electric fan, sun chairs...

Step 15: Proceed to drive for three minutes to the new apartment and begin unloading, to the third floor (up six flights of stairs, without lift).

Step 16: Direct Friend 1 to the new apartment who can assist with small objects.

Step 17: With Friend 3 lifting and Friend 1 giving words of encouragement, take the stage piano up to the room and rejoice at having completed the move!

Step 18: Thank Friend 3 a lot for the help and proceed to the Shiny Purple Burger Place for a celebratory dinner with Friend 1, 2 and the extra addition of Friend 4.

Step 19: Return car to Friend 2 and go to the new apartment to sleep in a room full of bags.

Job done!